the only thing suicidal here is the door [winnie]

[WINONA MARIE MARCS]

sure thing.

winona ran a finger along the table tops she passed, noticing that all were clean and each table was empty. as she found a booth at the back that she slid into, she looked to the clock. it was nearly two in the morning, but still, winona was surprised that no one else was here. she found it unusual, but was grateful. she slid against the wall, lifting her feet and stretching them across the space to put her feet on the opposite seat. she leaned her forehead against the glass, looking out at the nearly empty parking lot and the busy street in the background.

she nibbled on her bottom lip, lost in the curious thought of: where are they all headed? she picture business men having worked late heading home to sleeping wives...or husbands. or business men who had spent a late night with a girlfriend or a lover and needed to rush home to sleep before the next morning. she pictured teenagers in their cars dancing in their seats to loud music, laughing and snapping silly pictures. she pictured tired mothers driving with a baby in the backseat, hoping that the motion of the car to put their tot to sleep.

she peeled her forehead away from the glass of the window and sat up straight, removing her feet from the seat lucca had taken, grasping her drink. she smiled at lucca and muttered a thank you before placing her lips around the straw. she tore the wrapper from a taco and ate a few bites before looking at the table top covered in food. wow. we're definitely gonna have left overs, she laughed. she looked to lucca, nibbling on her bottom lip and watching him chew for a minute.

lucca, can i ask you something? you know how you brought that.. she didn't want to say gun in this public establishment. if you're so willing to do that to my dad... why not yours? i don't want you to! she reassured. i'm just curious.

[LUCCA MICHKAEL ANGELO]

he looked up at her, his first taco gone in three bites as she spoke. he swallowed deeply and licked his lips. "there's a possibility.." he said as he looked over the tacos before looking at his stomach. then again, he never knew when he was going to eat again so it wasn't as big of a possibility as she thought. his dad never fed him. there was hardly ever any food in the house since his dad usually spent it on alcohol and ate at the bars when he had the money. lucca usually fended for himself, eating cheap fast food or shitty cafateria food. that was why he was slightly underweight even for his size.

he continued on his second taco, looking up as she spoke. "shoot." he said through a mouthful of food as he finished the second taco with four bites and went on to the third. when she asked her question, he slowed down and chewed thoughtfully, swallowing hard. he licked the sauce from his lips and pursed them as he looked at his half eaten taco. "i guess because... i care for you more then i do myself." he said, shrugging before finishing his third taco. he unwrapped the fourth and paused a moment after taking a bite, chewing slowly. "and he's still... you know... my dad.." he said through his mouthful of food as he looked at the table.

[WINONA MARIE MARCS]

you said yourself you never lost your dad. he was never your dad.

she shook her head. she had fed her curiosity and now she was on the road to plain gluttony. winona nodded. in one of my classes last year, we read this book about a mother and daughter relationship gone wrong but with one of those happy endings - you know, the ones that never actually happen? which made the teacher so happy that she changed our syllabus so that for the entire nine weeks each story we read and movie we watched would be about a tragic mother and daughter relationship gone wrong and turned right. she licked her lips and pulled the moist, cold plastic cup toward her. she pinched the straw between her lips and swallowed a bit of the sweet, fizzy substance. there was this movie white oleander about a single mother, an artist, and her teenage daughter. i won't tell you about the entire movie, but this mother was one serious manipulative mind fucker and.. she lost it. she fell so crazy in love that she lost all sense of pride and all sense of sanity and she killed her cheating boyfriend. the white oleander is a flower that when placed in something like a vase full of water.. once its been in the water, the water is contaminated and poison. it could kill you. well, this mother pull a nice bouquet of oleander's into a glass of milk and then let him drink it. she licked her lips and ran her tongue along her bottom lip, chewing at the straw.

one night, he thought i was talking to someone - a boy, on the phone and he got.. she snorted, glaring at the shining table top mostly covered in yellow and purple paper wrappers. jealous. the sick fuck got jealous. it was really bad that night, and by really bad, she meant really painful, really loud, and really hard to mentally drift away from; yelling and hitting and humping, the screaming of the mattress springs and the quiet whines in her throat. he left and i ordered the bulbs. i planted them, too. out behind the school. i brought a bouquet home of them home one night, but before i could slip them in the milk, my mom came upstairs to see me. it had been almost four years since she'd walk those stairs. i thought it was him coming up for a second round, but it was mom. and she washed my hair like she used to and she asked me about school and what schools i'd applied to. it turns out my acceptance letter came from georgetown and another from princeton. she was so proud of me. winona wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hands.

she promised she would take me out to celebrate. me and her. then again with me, dad, and her. she told me some nights she dreams of how things used to be when i was little and she could still run around with me. when daddy used to take her in his arms and kiss her. she wiped at her cheeks again. i couldn't take her life. i couldn't take away the man of her dreams. she felt a sob choke her and she pinched the straw between her teeth and sucked back a large gulp of the fizzing liquid. she nodded. so, maybe you were right earlier. maybe i'm not capable of killing someone. she pulled her knee's up to her chest and took a bite of a taco, chewing it with a dry mouth. she looked away toward the window again, wondering who were in the cars that were passing now.

she put the taco down and took another drink. come sit with me? she asked, nodding to the extra space on the bench. the bench was a tight squeeze to her right now, pressing her knees and thighs into her torso. still, it wasn't a hugging sort of squeeze. it wasn't what she needed. i need you, she choked, taking another drink.

[LUCCA MICHKAEL ANGELO]

lucca comtemplated her words for a moment and nodded. she was right, he did say that. "i know i've never felt like he was my dad, but he still... i don't know.." he sighed and took another bite of his taco. it was hard to explain really. he felt no kinship towards his dad and he definitely didn't love him, or even like him, but he just felt like there was something morally wrong with killing him. he knew that he didn't, no would he ever had a father and a mother, but he kept holding onto the idea that maybe he would change. he was born a murderer though. his father told him this on many occcasions. "i guess in a way... he sufferes as much as i do. i mean... i killed my mother.. the love of his life... i killed his heart that night too." he explained as he looked out the window, chewing lightly.

he looked back to her as she began telling her story to him. his heart began pumping harder as he listened about the movie and the poison, his mind wandering as he finished his sixth taco, leaving just her three and one extra left. he suddenly didn't feel hungry though. lucca's hatred grew more and more each time she spoke about her dad. snipets of images flashed through his mind of her father fucking her hard and ruthlessly. he closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to rid himself of them. a small smile came to his face as she talked about her mother. he wondered what it was like to have parents. he wondered what it was like to have happy memories. he had very few of them, and some of the ones he did have he couldn't even remember. his memory was never that good from so many hits to the head and from being high and drunk so often. he rubbed his head softly and wondered how it was to have two parents in love. maybe thats how his parents would have been.

he winced slightly while she was crying and as soon as she asked him to, he got up and slid so he was sitting next to her. he pulled her close and held her tight in his arms. "alright bambina. angel's got you. i aint gonna let nothing happen to you while i'm around." he said quietly as he rocked her a bit. he kissed her head and hugged her tighter, his cheek pressed to her red hair. "you're too good of a person to kill. you have to big of a heart to hurt anyone. that's not a bad thing." he cooed and soothed.

[WINONA MARIE MARCS]

winona nodded, laying her head on his shoulder. she placed a hand on his arm, holding herself close to him. her knees pressed into her chest hard, but she didn't mind. it makes me an easy target. people tend to look for the people who take the hurt and don't hurt back. she thought of people in school and her father. she thought about abused wives and daughters and sons all around the world. she wished she could put them all in pain, somehow. not terribly, lucca was right there, she wasn't vengeful. she couldn't hurt. she could barely wish pain upon someone. she kissed his sleeve. don't blame yourself for her death. you're being brain washed. do you honestly want to think the same way your father does? she mumbled, her lips still pressed to his covered shoulder. my theory is that you got to love her and be loved by her in such an intimate kind of way - she loved you before she even met you. she loved you from your first kick, from the first day she placed a hand on you. she pressed a hand to his stomach, lightly. she loved you so much. she was there for the start of your life and you got to be the one she loved more than anyone when she died. she moved her hand from from his belly, up and to his chest. she held her hand to his heart as if she were saying the pledge of allegiance. she hates him now, i'm betting. your mom is ... in some sort of after life, she knows whats happening, and she lost the love of her life a long time ago. she lost two of them. one of them is beating and keeping the other down.

winona took a heavy breath, the scent of him hitting her taste buds and filling her nostrils. you know how guilty we feel about taking the lover of another. will you feel that guilty when you take yourself from me? she mumbled and kept her face pressed to his shoulder, feeling his pulse against her finger tips. she removed her face from his sleeve and reached for her unfinished taco and took a bite. i'm going to cherish every minute i have with you. i won't fight you about it - i know you've had to fight too hard and too often in your life already - but i just can't help but think that once you're gone... i'll be alone. if there is an after life or a heaven or another life coming up after this and you do cut your life short...would you wait for me? she took a bite of her taco and chewed slowly, still curled around him, but not looking at him.

[LUCCA MICHKAEL ANGELO]

he looked at the table and gave a one shoulder shrug. "seems like we can't help the way we think. all men end up the same." he said honestly before scratching the back of his head. he thought about his mother, closing his eyes for a moment as flashes of imagery went thought his head. he tried to remember something about her, but there was no way he'd remember anything only being hours old. the only thing he had of her were pictures, few as they were, and his dreams. his father never talked about her except the haunting himages of what she must have looked like dead because of him. her baby weight still gathered around her slim frame, her eyes glazy and cold when they once were so alive. he wasn't sure about how she was when she was alive. he wondered if she would have loved him, but he doubted it. how could someone love so automatically. it took him thirteen years to know even a glimpse of what love was. how could it happen before he was even around?

he felt her hands on his body and he followed them with his eyes. "how could she ever hate someone she claimed to love so much? your momdoesn't hate your dad.." he said before shaking his head. "she doesn't even know.." he sighed, shaking his head again. "i'm sorry... its just.. how do you not know something like that is going on.. even high i mean... i'm... i'm coherent.. slightly... when i'm high... sometimes... and its happened so much.." he tried to make sense of it all but it wasn't working.

lucca closed his eyes as if that made him invisable when she started talking about him and when he takes his own life. he didn't want to feel guilty about doing what was best for himself, but he knew then that what was best for him didn't matter. it never did. "if there is a heaven, i wont be there." he said as he grabbed his drink and sipped from the straw. "i'd be going to hell. surprisingly enough its supposed to be worse then this hell." he said taking another drink before shaking his head. "if there is something, which i'm sure there's not.. i'll wait for you." he said lightly as he looked at the table. he licked his lips and sighed before looking to her. "there.. is.. something.. at least if only for a glimpse of a moment.." he muttered.

[WINONA MARIE MARCS]

the drugs doctors give you for pain and to help you sleep are strong. really strong. she licked her lips and finished off her taco, balling the paper up and setting it in the pile of discarded paper lucca had started. i think she sort of knows. i think its in her mind. i think that's why she stays on the drugs. its easier to deal with when you're numb, i guess. she shrugged, her shoulder brushing his. it's all a lot easier when you convince yourself that what's going on isn't going on. that it's not sinful or illegal. she unfolded the wrapper of another taco, carefully, taking a bite and washing it down with soda.

of course you'll go to a better place. i used to go to bible school and i always thought that suicide victims were bound to suffer in hell. you've been suffering in hell long enough. even if that wasn't enough of a reason, you're mom is over their reserving your spot. i'm sure of it. she ate another bite of her taco, looking to the window as she chewed. she focused more on the reflection of herself and lucca rather than the cars that drove passed this time. she liked imagining their lives in some sort of alternate reality, where the two of them sat at that booth laughing and unscathed. it was a lot harder to imagine than the drivers. she turned away and watched her knees as she ate, taking slow, small bites and washing each down with soda. she wiped her hands on her leggings and turned to ace lucca. she pushed his hair from his face and stroked his cheeks and forehead and ears. heaven could always use more angels, she whispered. heaven would be a better place with you. she laid her face against his shoulder once more.

you've been suffering and you still manage to be my savior. that has to count for something. she placed her feet on the floor, and laced her fingers with his, placing their hands just above her knee. she nodded. you love me, she smiled softly. this was one of those moments where she was supposed to profess her love to him, but she had never been the routine sort of girl.

[LUCCA MICHKAEL ANGELO]

lucca's face was serious and stone cold as he listened to her, not believing her for a moment if everyone could reserve spots in heaven, whatever that was, then it would be full, he was sure after all of these years. when people spoke about god and heaven and everything- he knew it was some place he would never be. you weren't supposed to do the kind of things to yourself that he did. you weren't supposed to fight your father, nor raise your voice to him. you were supposed to respect him. suicide was a definite no-no and a one way ticket straight to hell, so he was going to get ten times the hell. you weren't supposed to drink, smoke, do drugs, or do anything else harmful for ou body. no, if there was one place he was going in an afterlife, it was hell no matter if he changed his ways right this very second of not. he had come to the conclusion that anywhere was better then here, and he kept that in his mind.

she said that he loved her and he didn't confirm nor did he deny it. he seemed indifferent to the whole thing as he took another drink. he was used to being told what he was supposed to feel, so he let others think how they pleased. he knew his father hated him because he said so. he knew he was worthless because people told him that. he knew he loved her because she told him constantly that he had to. he never had a choice in anything in his life, so he just took things as he was told to. the only thing he felt like he had control over was drugs and suicide which was why no one would ever take that from him.

[WINONA MARIE MARCS]

he kept quiet. she nibbled on her bottom lip, feeling it and the upper curve into a frown. he wasn't confirming it. he wasn't denying it, but he also wasn't confirming it. in fact, he wasn't saying a damn thing. winona shuffled nervously, self consciously. she felt her body prickle with heat like it did when she was asked to read something aloud in class. she reached forward, having shaken her hand free of his. she wrapped both hands around her cup and sipped at the soda hiding under the cubes of ice. once the liquid was gone, she began to chew on the straw. she looked to the window again, focusing on the employees at the back of the dumpster, smoking cigarettes. she sighed and ate the final bit of her second or third taco. she couldn't remember. can you excuse me? she asked, sliding over his lap quickly and heading toward the bathroom in the back.

she stepped into the last stall and used the restroom like a normal person would, then after flushing and pacing the length of the stall in a short circle, she felt the bile in her throat. she spent a moment or two with her head in the toilet before flushing and heading toward the sink. she washed her hands twice and stood rinsing her mouth with handful after handful of water. she usually only did so when she had eaten far too much and when there was a tooth brush available, but winona had felt weighed down again. only, she had been emotionally weighing herself. she had punished the cleaning lady and herself more than made herself feel better. she looked to herself in the mirror. her clothes had dried stiff and wrinkled against her thighs and bum, his sweat shirt fit her rather well, the sleeves hung passed her fingers but still, it fit well.

she straightened her glasses and returned to the table, sitting opposite him. i'm not hungry anymore. she looked out of the window once more, noticing on of the employees pulling out of a parking space to leave. i think i ought to head home, she muttered.

[LUCCA MICHKAEL ANGELO]

when she left he continued to sit quietly in the booth, listening to the silent humming of the lights overhead. he closed his eyes and laid his head back on the seats, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. so many things were running though his mind as they always did, things he was dying to know but he never asked. maybe he should ask her though- maybe he needed to ask her to give him some piece of mind. he didn't want her to breakdown from the questions though. he contemplated it quietly before he looked to her as she got back.

"okay.. i'll walk you home." he said softly, gathering everything back into the bag and drinking the last bits of his soda before throwing it all in the trash. he burped quietly and sighed, taking her hand and pushing the door open from the restaurant and walking outside. the air was cool, yet warm at the same time and he figured that was just his body from the food. he needed to score before he went back to his house, and he would do that after he dropped her off.

before he knew it though, he was talking as they walked. "do you ever like it?" he asked quietly as he watched his feet, his other hand in his pocket. "i mean.." he scratched the back of his ear before continuing with a deep breath. "does he ever... make you feel good? has he ever secretly made you wish for more? like.. that you wanted him to speed up, or slow down and move inside of you just right?" he asked quietly before taking his hand from hers and pulling out his cigarettes, lighting one as he continued to talk. "has he ever made you moan, or say his name as he's fucking you?" he asked even quieter before he let a puff of smoke out from his mouth. "has he ever made you come? has he ever... has he ever made you hit that toe curling orgasm that nearly brings you off the bed and that's so good you can't possibly keep quiet?" lucca's voice kept catching in his throat, but he had to get it all out. "has he ever made you beg for more- even for a second?"

[WINONA MARIE MARCS]

winona had smiled as his hand grasped hers. the gesture was so simply, but to her mind that had been working for twenty hours, her body that had been moving for ninety percent of that time, this gesture was more than just a hand hold. it was also a shoulder to rest on and someone to depend on. it was an apology, it was a reassurance. she had turned to look at him, ready to smile and show him that she was happy to depends on him and to forgive him for whatever but he opened his mouth and proved her wrong. she glared, yanking her hand from his. she opened her mouth to retort, but she couldn't say anything. fuck you!

she could feel that tight feeling in her throat and she figured something was coming, whether it be tears, vomit, or both she just didn't know. fuck you! she felt the tears first, and wiped at them with the sleeves of his jacket before yanking it off, tossing it at him. she was shaking her head and staring at him choking on her words. why would you ask that!? she shouted, much more thankful for the absence of people now. she went to walk away, but her legs gave way and she fell forward to her knee's, gagging. she was sure if she hadn't already vomited, she'd be kneeling in a puddle of it now. instead only remnants of her soda and the saliva rose and fell to the pavement. she shook her head, looking at him over her shoulder. she had never wanted to have to tell him those things. she had never wanted him to ask those things.

i've never asked for it. i've never wanted it. she paused to choke out more of the burning liquid, sobbing. she didn't bother to turn and face him. i've never grasped the head board or held on tight to him. i've never asked him to do it, let alone to do it right. what goes on between him and i is wrong enough without me enjoying it. she wiped at her face, but nodded. i asked the health teacher once, how a body can enjoy it when a person doesn't and she says it just happens. she continued nodding. i've come. she admitted, choking on a sob and dry heaving on the pavement. i've never let him know that i've enjoyed it. i've enver actually enjoyed it. i've never had an orgasm and wanted it again. i've... she took a deep breath and stood on shaking legs.

i take it back, she muttered, wiping at her mouth with bare hands and stepping over the puddle of mainly stomach acid. i don't love you. i don't want you to be my savior. i want you to forget me. i want you to forget what you know. she noticed a twitch in his leg as if he were going to step forward. i can walk myself home. there's nothing out there any more dangerous than i've already had to put up with. she wiped at her face and turned away, beginning to walk home.

[LUCCA MICHKAEL ANGELO]

he knew he shouldn't have asked it, but it was like word vomit. it was something he had to know. he had had times when he'd had sex that he didn't want it at first, but by the time the girls were done with him, he sure did want more. he wondered if it was the same thing. sometimes- sometimes it was a terrible thing not growing up with parents because you didn't learn the rt of what was appropriate. he thought he could ask her anything, but he was wrong, very wrong. she was so upset she began puking and he couldn't even do anything but stand there. he shook his head and wished he could take it all back.

lucca felt dead inside. he words hurt him worse then anything his father could have ever done, or then anything he could have done for himself. 'i dont love you' echoed in his head and he winced slightly. he was about to take a step forward, to say something, but she walked away. that was when he realized that even then he had no one. he had no one he could count on and no one to take care of him. he never did. he felt like he was going to be sick, but he pushed it away and disappeared into an alley, off to find his next hit.

CLOSED